You won’t find your worth entirely in someone else — you find it in yourself, and then you will attract those who are worthy of your energy.
Sometimes we try to show the world we are flawless in hopes that we will be liked and accepted by everyone, but we can’t please everyone and we shouldn’t try. The beauty of us lies in our vulnerability, our complex emotions, and our authentic imperfections. When we embrace who we are and decide to be authentic, instead of who we think others want us to be, we open ourselves up to real relationships, real happiness, and real success.
There’s no need to put on an act every day. There’s no need to pretend to be someone you’re not. You have nothing to continuously prove, because…
1. It’s important to honor your own feelings and boundaries.
When you run into someone who discredits you, disrespects you, or treats you poorly for no apparent reason at all, don’t consume yourself with trying to change them or win their approval. And be sure not to leave any space in your heart to hate them. Simply give yourself some healthy space and let karma deal with the things they say and do, because any bit of time you spend on these people will be wasted, and any bit of hate and aggravation in your heart will only hurt you in the end.
Truth be told, some people will always tell you what you did wrong, and then hesitate to compliment you for what you did right. Don’t be one of them, and don’t allow these people to constantly drain your energy and joy. Remember that distancing yourself from people who give you negative vibes or unhealthy energy is self-care. Stepping back from situations where you feel unappreciated or disrespected is self-care. Choose to honor your feelings and boundaries, respectfully.
2. The people worth impressing want you to be yourself.
In the long run it’s better to be loathed for who you are than loved for who you are not. In fact, the relationships that often work well in the long run are the ones that make you a better person without changing you into someone other than yourself, and without preventing you from outgrowing the person you used to be. So let others take you as you are, or not at all. Speak your truth even if your voice shakes!
By being true to yourself, you put something breathtaking into the world that was not there before. You are stunning when your passion and strength shines through as you follow your own path — when you aren’t distracted by the opinions of others. You are powerful when you let your mistakes educate you, and your confidence builds from firsthand experiences — when you know you can fall down, pick yourself up, and move forward without asking for anyone else’s permission.
Bottom line: Don’t change just so people will like you; keep learning, growing, and nurturing your best self, and pretty soon the RIGHT people will love the REAL you.
3. YOU are the primary person who can change your life.
In every situation you have ever been in, positive or negative, the one common thread is you. It is your responsibility, and yours alone, to recognize that regardless of what has happened up to this point in your life, you are capable of making choices to change your situation, or to change the way you think about it. Don’t let the opinions of others interfere with this prevailing truth.
What you’re capable of achieving is not a function of what other people think is possible for you. What you’re capable of achieving depends primarily on what you choose to do with your time and energy. So stop worrying about what everyone else thinks. Just keep doing your thing. The only people that will fault you for doing so are those who want you to live a lie.
4. Society’s common measurements of worth are mostly worthless.
When you find yourself trapped between what moves you and what society tells you is right for you, always travel the route that makes you feel alive, unless you want everyone to be happy, except you. Seriously, no matter where life takes you, big cities or small towns, you will inevitably come across others who think they know what’s best for you — people who think they’re better than you — people who think happiness, success and beauty mean the same things to everyone…
They’ll try to measure your worth based on what you have, instead of who you are. But you know better than that — material things don’t matter. Don’t just chase the money. Catch up to the ideas and activities that make you come alive. Go for the things of greater value — the things money can’t buy. What matters is having strength of character, an honest heart, and a sense of self-worth. If you’re lucky enough to have any of these things, never sell them. Never sell yourself short! (Note: Marc and I discuss this in more detail in the Self-Love and Simplicity chapters of “1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently”.)
5. Life isn’t a race.
Everyone wants to get there first and shout, “Look at me! Look at me!” But the truth is, most of your happiness and growth occurs while you’re moving, not while you’re standing at the finish line. So remind yourself as often as necessary that you are not behind. You are where you need to be. Don’t judge or berate yourself for how long your journey is taking. We all need our own time to travel our own distance.
And don’t overwhelm yourself. Remember that you can’t lift a thousand pounds all at once, yet you can easily lift one pound a thousand times. Small, repeated efforts will get you there…
Work hard. Rest well. Learn to disconnect. Engage in self-care. In the marathon of life, the key is learning to be mindful and pace yourself.
6. The path to most great things passes through failure.
You are an ever-changing work in progress. You don’t have to always be right, you just have to not be too worried about being wrong. Screwing up is part of the process. Not getting approval, or not even looking the part sometimes, is the only way forward. If you try too hard to impress everyone with your “perfection,” you will stunt your growth! You will spend all your time faking it and looking a certain way, instead of growing up and living a certain way.
Truly, it’s impossible to live without failing sometimes, unless you live so cautiously that you aren’t really living at all, you’re merely existing. And if you’re too afraid of failing in front of others, you can’t possibly do what needs to be done to be successful in your own eyes. You have to remember that it doesn’t matter how many times you fail or how messy your journey is, so long as you do not stop taking small steps forward. In the end, those who don’t care that failure is inevitable are the ones that make gradual progress. And YOU can be one of them.
Now is the time… it’s your turn!
Yes, it’s your turn to stop waiting for approval from everyone, because you don’t need a standing ovation or a bestseller or a promotion or a million bucks. You are enough right now! You have nothing to prove. Care less about who you are to others and more about who you are to yourself. I promise you will have less heartaches and disappointments the minute you stop seeking from others the validation only YOU can give yourself.
But before you go, please leave Marc and me a comment below and let us know what you think of this essay. Your feedback is important to us. 🙂
Which one of the points above resonated the most today?
Finally, if you have not done so already, be sure to sign-up for our free newsletter to receive new articles like this in your inbox each week.
Photo by: Lali Masriera
Joyce says
Never let other people cause you to forget who you are. Some people try to raise themselves up by bringing other people down. Beware. And thanks, M&A, for these great self-care reminders. At 72, they all ring true to me.
Lolly Schiffman says
Joyce, you must have been reading my mind. Thank you for your comment. It is exactly what I needed to read and what I was about to write myself. .
Beware. Also good advice.
Su says
I am working on changing my people-pleasing mindset right now, so thanks for the perfect timing with this post.
I know I do not need to worry about what others think of me. As long as I’m not hurting anyone, I’m allowed to beat to my own drum and do what’s best for ME. Remembering this and acting accordingly, however, is often a challenge for me.
Liz says
For many years now I have used this phrase: “What you think of me is none of my business !!!” It always helps me to remember to stay true to myself .. Thank you for your amazing and inspiring columns and emails .. I have spread the word on how valuable they are ..
Hugs to you both, M&A!
Lori Landers says
Thank you Marc & Angel for your heartfelt insight. This blog speaks to me deeply and further validates the importance of putting myself first. I loved reading your book Getting Back To Happy and just ordered 1,000+ Little Things and can’t wait to read it!
Thank you for allowing your beautiful bright light to shine!
Dee says
It’s taken me nearly 60 years to stop trying to prove myself to everyone. I spent many years of my life in unfulfilling situations simply because I wanted to win the approval of of the wrong people.
Honestly my most important life lesson I’ve learned is to not care what people think of me as much, and that I cannot please everyone no matter how hard I try. Now I have this mantra: “I am who I am, and if people can’t accept me for who I am, they can keep walking.”
BTW, I bought two of your books today and I can’t wait for them to arrive. I’m giving one of them to my daughter as a gift (she actually introduced me to your IG account and blog).
Sue Finnerty says
I certainly can relate to this. I reached 70 this year and decided I only needed to give permission to myself for how I lived my life. Anybody else’s opinion didn’t really matter. For many decades I chased after people for their approval or validation and they really didn’t give too hoots. So empowering when you reach this stage of your life. It’s such a great feeling not to worry about what others think and just life your life how you choose.
Susan Ritchey says
This really hit home. I want to save this article.
Lorna says
The fear of making a mistake and “looking bad” in front of others used to cause me to freeze and not do, or start, anything – by not starting, I wouldn’t risk failing.
Re-framing that fear with a new meaning that mistakes were opportunities for learning and growth helped me to see value in the process as well as in myself. And continues to give me the courage to step outside of my comfort zone.
Gina says
Wow – this one was divinely timed for me. I am working on healing my heart and my relationship with myself and the world. The inner narrative that has hurt me the most, likely passed down by a broken parent, is the idea that I need to be approved or confirmed by others before I can believe that I’m good enough. I inwardly panic when people disagree or misunderstand me, especially if they show any kind of contempt or disrespect towards me. It makes me want to hide in shame and seethe in anger, especially in our current ideologically charged times. I am learning how to listen to myself and focus on knowing what makes me feel full and tender inside, and then approving of myself for following my own path. I’m trying to give myself the presence, openness, patience, kindness, encouragement and accolades I’ve sought from people who don’t understand my path and are walking a totally different one. It’s a slow and long process. But I’ll do my best to enjoy the climb. The words in this post, and in the comments above mine, make me feel more seen, and remind me it’s okay if not everyone sees me for who I am. Thank you, M&A
Playwright says
Hey Gina!
I can relate! My passion is writing short stories and plays. In my earlier years, I told my parent about an online course I wanted to take, and I received a lot of negative feedback. The cost(which I paid) is too much, it won’t lead to anything and it’s a waste of time and money. That instance, among others (declined to authorize a 5th grade skip by my 4th grade teacher) has led me to be afraid of what could be, and to throw the towel in before giving anything an authentic try. I know that I am enough, but it is a process.
Kristina says
This: “Care less about who you are to others and more about who you are to yourself. I promise you will have less heartaches and disappointments the minute you stop seeking from others the validation only YOU can give yourself.”
Thank you so much! <3
Emma says
Thank you Marc and Angel for all your advice and coaching you are absolutely amazing and I have made lots of positive changes because of you. I find your words very comforting but also so practical, which is what I need. I find the little steps advice so reassuring and my favourite story is that of the cracked leaking bucket carried along the path with the perfect bucket, it was not useless and neither am I. Sending lots of love 🙂
Patricia Jones Trent says
Amen! I Loved the sentence that said,”Go for things of greater value- the things money can’t buy”! So powerful!
Patricia
Ifeoma says
We all have to take risk in life one way or the other – it makes us learn more about life. love you guys
Gloria says
For years l travelled a really rocky path …way back almost 39 years ago l promised myself to truly find out figure out who l am …years of seeking approval years of wanting to be loved …no one could love me if l didn’t love myself self care was number one today l don’t look my age
I know why self care not knowing everything minding my own business… loving the me l am …l often wondered how others looked so beautiful it’s the inside out… l learnt all about me and have that today …there is a beauty in each of us ….thank you for your emails. love them.
Minnie Ann says
Thank you so much again!
Lou says
I have learned over the yrs most people don’t always have my best interest in mind. Which means self-care is key.
Kris Cook says
Thank you so much for this article! I have it saved and I keep reading it and rereading it. I needed this so much. Thank you for opening my eyes. I’m always trying to be perfect and living my life for everyone else. I’m learning from both of you and my therapist that I need to make myself happy and live my life for me and not worrying about what others think. Learn from my mistakes and take my time in life and learn new things and go at my own pace. I love your articles they help me so much.
Diana Everett says
Love the succinct and gentle advice from Marc and Angel, as always so relevant and encouraging.
Love the comments also! Mostly from women. Women are taught to people please, this toxic habit is culturally ingrained. Takes some real pushback, and for an older woman in her 70’s like myself after a lifetime of pleasing others and one-sided relationships, that seeking others’ approval and an obsessive need to belong is not only poisonous but can be life-threatening.
Be your honest self, be your own best friend, set your own path and choose partners, friends and “family” (genetic or otherwise) wisely.